Every week, I get a little reminder from my best friend that says: "Be who you are and say what matters to you, those who mind don’t matter and those who matter will be happy to see you be who you are supposed to be!”
I’m slowly yet surely starting to maintain a lifestyle that has time for myself so I can unwind and breathe.
For the longest time, I have bumped heads with my husband Derrik when it comes to self-love and self-happiness because, it took me a long time to grasp this; Derrik doesn’t care. It’s not that he doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t care what people think of him.
It’s been hard for me to digest this because I have been the type of person that tends to people please. It’s been embedded in my mind to care what people think of me.
I would always say, “How can you not care about me?!?!” I have always had this dark gloomy cloud following behind me. Every time I turned my head to look back, there it was. The dark gloomy cloud of worry, expectations, fear, the lack of self-love, and self- happiness. I’ve had ideas embedded in my head of how I should act and look, but I never lined up with those “expectations”. I’ve had a mask on my face and body as a shield to protect me so I could just “fit in”. I’m not one to dress proper, sit tall and walk gracefully. I actually have a girly grunge vibe with a slight hippie soul, with a dash of feminist, nerdy glasses with red hair. Yup, that’s me!
I’m now at a point in life where I’m starting to see what Derrik sees. It’s amazing how you fall in love with people that manage to teach you things that you never thought you needed help with to begin with. I get frustrated from time to time because I don't myself credit for being as strong as I really am. I frustrate him for he doesn’t see how I don’t see what he sees in me. ButI’m getting there. I’m getting there slowly. I’m starting to say, “to hell with the noise of people’s negative thoughts and opinions of me.”
I have carried so many memories of negativity and held on to them for such a long time. It’s time to let go of this pain. I’ve felt it way too long.
Lifting this weight off of my shoulders has made me think a lot more clearly. I still have bad days; yet, I know with all the panic and fear there’s hat ounce of freedom that helps me get through things in my way.
I’m not going to please everyone and that’s okay!
I’m not going to repress the best things about myself because others are too intimidated by me and how far I have come. How open I am with my adoption story. How open I am with the pain, struggles and accomplishments I over come when it comes to anxiety and depression. I’m allowed to be happy! I’m worthy of love! I’m embracing the best and brightest aspects of myself. I’m starting to be someone I love.
Self-happiness and self-love are two things I told myself that I will work on. I now see that my scars and stretch marks still make me beautiful. My brain is slowly breaking from the idea of being abandoned. That I am worthy of love, not from others, but with myself.
I can have a good day being alone. I don’t need a room full of people to pretend to make me happy. I don’t get to decide whether I am beautiful or not, and whether someone else is beautiful. The thing is that I am and everyone around me is.
I have dug deep into myself and found my love language: Quality time. I’ve been putting time aside for myself every day for 30 min to do something I love. I’m starting to honor myself in many ways I never did before. I fell in love with myself about a month ago, yet every day since I’ve grown to build a stronger bond with myself. I’ve learned my value. I’ve learned to believe in myself.
I have accepted that I have worth that isn’t based off of my words, shortcomings, actions or success. Hope and courage are my anchors. I am worthy of love and nothing anyone does will change the self-love I’m building up for myself.